Who is Lisa Faulkner?

http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2010/05/03/adopting-billie-is-the-best-thing-that-s-ever-happened-to-us-115875-22229855/

Who is Lisa Faulkner you may ask? I certainly did. Having been out of the UK for many years, and even when I was there not a massive TV viewer, I had no idea who this television actress was.

Yet someone pointed her out to me recently as an exemplary woman who showed the 'other side' of infertility/subfertility - where IVF doesn't work and you have to think of something else. For some this is adoption and for others it is a decision to lead a child-free life. Each is a completely valid life-choice. This 'side' is so under-represented in the press.

The press rarely reports the cases where IVF doesn't work because (a) people like to hear success stories, not sad ones; and (b) individuals are probably less willing to put themselves out there if they fear they will be viewed as a 'failure' - so it is great that there is the occasional story like this to change public perception. We need more honest accounts like this one.

There is nothing but positive from her story. In her case, they opted for adoption and there are some wonderful points that jump out from her story:

• the path to motherhood can be via a different route - adoption;
• you are no less a 'woman' if you adopt this route and you can hold your head up in public and say 'look at me!';
• how emotionally and financially draining IVF can be, not to say cruel;
• that the adoption process is not easy and requires determination; it took them two years to be approved given the vigorous review process they undertake of prospective parents;
• adoption can be so rewarding - they have looked every minute of having their little girl Billie. She says, "adopting is such an incredible thing to do. I really can't imagine what our lives would be like without Billie."

It also highlights what a difference having a supportive husband or partner will make. He spoke of his desire to adopt if IVF didn't work, was supportive and had a great sense of humour through it all. She was very lucky and I am sure that made a massive difference. They were on the same page with respect to how they wanted to create their family unit and got through it together. Not every couple is so fortunate on this front, and it can create a whole new set of challenges to work through when you have already gone through so much.

So I would like to congratulate Lisa for her honesty and for being a real woman. She tells it to us like it was for her. She doesn't hide the fact that IVF doesn't always work. Even the miracle doctor in the UK Dr Taranissi of ARGC in London wasn't able to make it work for them (he is the doctor credited in the press recently for helping Penny Lancaster get pregnant via IVF). But that was okay, as with the wonderful support of her husband, they were able to create a family via adoption.

AFA Blog Link: http://theafa.typepad.com/theafablog/2010/09/who-is-lisa-faulkner.html

PCOS Awareness Week in the UK - 20 to 27 November 2010

http://www.verity-pcos.org.uk/events/pcos_awareness_week

Above is the link for the very first PCOS Awareness Week that is taking place in the UK from the 20th to the 27th November 2010.

This is very exciting as this a condition that affects so many women, and it is good to show support to each other, and educate each other. So often women are unaware that they have the condition until they go to see the doctor or start to try to conceive.

So get involved!

During PCOS Awareness Week, they are planning at least one activity every single day. These will be activities run by the PCOS Charity Verity but also by women with PCOS and businesses that support the work Verity does, (can you do something in your local area?)

The activities they have instore so far for PCOS Awareness Week include:

Evaluation of how the NHS is supporting women with PCOS
Shouting about PCOS at Speakers Corner in Hyde Park
A knit-your-own PCOS Snood for winter
A PCOS calendar
PCOS conference with sessions on emotion, excess hair, alopecia, fertility, weight loss, being slim with PCOS and all about your menstrual cycle

PCOS Awareness Week needs your support if it's to be successful now in the future. Get involved!

Reply from the Ministry of Education

The reply from the Ministry of Education arrived on 9th September, so I am sharing it with you all here. Scroll to the end of this piece for their reply. I am starting to learn that politicians reply with a guarded and non-committal standard-form answer which at first blush can dishearten, I am sure. But of utmost importance is that the message was sent, and one hopes, not only will be read but digested and acted upon by someone with the power to change policy. I have asked them to indicate to me where I can follow the policy considerations that the Government is said to be taking.

I could continue to sigh at certain responses I get from people to the work I am doing to raise awareness - only today after my previous blog article, I received the following comment from someone:

The person acknowledged reading all the information circulated and to being able to see what we were working so hard to change, and so hoped it made a difference. And we were wished all the love and luck in the world.

Now don't get me wrong, I value the support that is expressed a great deal, but if I were of a less determined and optimistic spirit I would be saddened at the fact that it feels as if a key point continues to be lost a little, however clearly I think I articulate it; it feels as if people still view from the sidelines to an extent.

So at the risk of sounding repetitious I will say it again. We are each of us a vessel and conduit for better communication and change. Every thing we do or say, however little it may seem to us at the time, can have a positive impact. We just need to try. It isn't all up to someone else or me, to make a change. So here is my reply to anyone and everyone who still doesn't feel the need or is worried about being pro-active:

"I hope that my work empowers you to have the conversations that have been so sadly lacking - you too can make a difference!"

Good luck everyone!

REPLY FROM MINISTRY OF EDUCATION (9 SEPTEMBER 2010):

"Thank you for your email of 10 August addressed to Ministers about improving sex education and awareness of fertility issues. On this occasion I have been asked to reply.

Following the instatement of the Coalition Government, Ministers are considering their position of a number of policies, including SRE. They do believe it is important that all children should have high quality SRE in school in order to make the right decisions in later life. However, they recognise that there are a wide range of views on SRE and want to ensure that they are adopting the best approach. They will announce their intentions in due course.

Thank you for taking the time to write and I hope you are reassured that this issue is very much on the Government's agenda.

Yours sincerely

Leona Smith
Public Communications Unit
www.education.gov.uk"

Raising Fertility Awareness - it can be frustrating but hang in there

http://theafa.typepad.com/theafablog/2010/09/raising-fertility-awareness-it-can-be-frustrating-but-hang-in-there.html - also on AFA site

I have been writing and lobbying for about six months now to improve fertility and infertility awareness. There is one word which sums up how it has felt: frustrating.

My lobbying has extended to a blog, writing pieces which are posted on sites such as the AFA site, emailing friends and family and writing to government bodies, politicians and fertility specialists - all with a call for increased awareness. The frustration, however, comes from the responses received.

In the case of some family members, the response has been silence. What do this mean? That they don't approve? That they feel embarrassed? Are they in some sort of denial? Do they think that they do not have a role in raising awareness and being supportive to others? And this silence has extended to family members who themselves suffered from infertility, which is difficult to fathom.

Other family and friends have expressed admiration for my efforts, but in some of the responses I still detect that while they make encouraging noises, they don't seem to appreciate that they are actually a conduit themselves for improved awareness: they themselves have the ability to talk to people about (in)fertility issues, or even lobby for awareness. An example of this was from my mother who when asked for a reaction to my pieces said, 'let me know if anybody does anything about it'. It continued to be, in her eyes, somebody else's job to do, and not hers.

This sort of response is not limited to friends and family, however; the same sort of sentiment is expressed by the medical profession themselves. On the recommendation of the Human Fertilisation and Embrylogy Association, a letter was sent to the Royal College of General Practitioners ("RCGP") regarding the need for more pro-activity from the medical profession to inform patients wanting a family one day about the fertility challenges that can arise and how fertility declines with age. The Honorary Secretary of the RCGP did reply promptly but here is what she said,

'The College does have these issues in our curriculum and we appreciate their importance'.

There was no acknowledgement of the fact that while it is 'in the curriculum' that the point was that general practitioners are not always having the conversations with their patients at pill checks and other well-women checks as they should. I felt compelled to reply to the Honorary Secretary and highlight that, as a patient, I could inform her that the information was not being passed on as she might expect or anticipate, and that I recommended that they issue memoranda to GPS as reminders to the importance of their pro-activity in these areas and to reinforce it also as part of their continuing professional development.

So what can we do about this? To encourage people to be more responsible and to look out for each other in terms of raising awareness and being supportive of those with infertility.

For one, the key is to not loose hope, energy and determination. It is going to be a long and slow road to raise awareness, but it can be done. Rome wasn't built in a day so we shouldn't expect this to be an overnight change either. But with perserverance we can slowly chip away at the prejudices and help people to face the realities of fertility issues.

We should not feel that our efforts are in vain: in the memoirs of an emminent criminal defence barrister (attorney) in the United Kingdom, he states that what he has observed over his long career is that progress is brought about by the extraordinary efforts of ordinary groups of people who fight for what is right and change; you cannot rely on politicians. This gives me the hope that change is possible with a little effort from us all.

Teach people 'how' to have the conversation with the people they meet to raise fertility awareness. It has struck me just how much people don't know how to discuss the topic. Their own embarrassment to raise it prevents them from doing it. They may not stay silent out of malice, but their own insecurities can stop them from doing an act of kindness.

People fear sometimes that they will come across as nagging, or that they may get a bad reply from the person if they raise the topic, or do not know how to handle the reply if it is not what they had anticipated. They, therefore, hide behind statements such as 'you are a very private couple' or 'you are an adult' to defend their own fears of raising the topic.

So may be it would be good to have some way of teaching people how to have the confidence to have the conversation on fertility awareness. To feel equipped with a set reply when someone cuts them off briskly saying they don't want to discuss or they do not get the reception they had hoped for. What follows are my own thoughts and opinions, and not those of any professional in the fertility field - but it would be wonderful to see it developed by professionals to help friends and family have the conversations which can save people from uneccessarily difficult times.

Some people are not even comfortable asking a person if they would like children, but I personally see no issue with this. It is one of the steps in life which many, many people take. If they say they do, or say that they think they may one day, this gives you an opening to have more of a conversation. The key is to not come across as nagging, to not make the person feel belittled or stupid for any decisions or lack of information that they have had up to that point. And, of course, you never know if they are already battling with infertility issues privately and just have not told you. So as the initiator, you have to be prepared for an unexpected response possibly - but whatever the responses here is the most important thing to come out of your conversation: for the person to feel that you are non-judgmental and supportive whatever they decide, and that you are there to speak more if they would ever like to. And for those who have yet to start trying to conceive, to plant the seed of thought in the person's mind with a pointer as to where to get more information on the topic if they would like it - for example, a conversation with their doctor, or even better, a gynaecologist, or to websites such as the American Fertility Association.

If they say they do not want children, then I do think you can wrap up the conversation in a relatively quick fashion but in a manner that, again, leaves them feeling that you are non-judgmental and supportive whatever the case and which leaves the door open for more dialogue if they would like. They do not want your opinion on the correctness of their decision so make clear your respect but do tell them that if they ever have questions or feel they may change their mind, that you are happy to chat, or if you or they aren't comfortable to have the conversation, to speak with their doctor. People are complex creatures and they sometimes use this as a standard answer to avoid having a conversation on a topic that they havent quite sorted out in their head yet, and so aren't comfortable discussing. But they may be in a few months' time. Or again, they may use this response as a smoke screen to hide fertilty issues which they are struggling with privately. And, of course, there are those people who truly do not want children.

I have emailed friends and family members of child bearing age or with relatives of child-bearing age, articles regarding how fertility changes with age with a line saying, in case you would might like children one day otherwise feel to ignore. People have either been silent or expressed gratitude, but nobody has been rude. Sometimes it just needs a little courage and sensitivity to the issue, to stretch out a supportive hand to a friend or family member.

So yes, it may be frustrating but the key is to not give up, even if people don't seem to want to 'get with the program' with the positivity that you would expect. I am convinced that good does come of good. So spreading the word will eventually have a positive effect on somebody's life, even if you aren't aware of it. And if only just one couple is spared the challenges of (in)fertility because of your little attempt at advocacy, it will have been worth it.