Men: often overlooked in the feelings department
There are many articles, discussions and blogs about how fertility challenges (I hate the word infertility) affects women, but men and their feelings are so often overlooked. We tell people when faced with a challenge to "man up" sometimes and perhaps that accidentally points to one of issues - men are expected to be the strong, resilient and unemotional ones. So often times people take the view that they don't need support. To be otherwise is girly and, therefore, perceived as weak.
So let's start right here and now and correct the assumption - men feel the pain of struggling to conceive and stay pregnant too. I am not going to go into degrees of whether it is equal, more or less - in truth I don't know the answer but I suspect that it varies from case to case and that more often than not it is the same more or less. He wants to be a dad as much as the woman wants to be a mom. He doesn't suffer the biological interventions necessarily to the same degree, but he still feels.
I have observed many different approaches and reactions to the male component:
1) men are often less likely to discuss the challenges they are facing or emotions that they are feeling with friends or family: They are more likely to bottle up their feelings. This doesn't mean they don't feel though. The fact that they don't confide in someone can make it harder for them at times, I think. Even if they say it is their 'coping mechanism' they still struggle and suffer deep within. The lack of externalising one's own emotions sometimes can be harmful in the long run - I have seen the stress come out in physical manifestations of all kinds of ailments, such as stomach complaints, which at first blush you might assume are unrelated;
2) people often forget to ask the man how he personally is managing and coping: men often get asked by friends and relatives, particularly male friends and relatives, about how their other half is dealing with it. However, somehow people can be reluctant to ask men how they are feeling. I have no idea why this is. I know it frustrates the living daylights out of me, because to me it feels like not wanting to mention the elephant in the room. But it could also be more a reflection of the person asking in the first place: maybe they assume that because the exterior that they see is all calm and collected, that all is fine; may be they don't know how to deal with the answer they get, be it curt or an unexpected out-pouring of emotion; maybe it is because they feel that the listener will work out that it is implied from their silence?;
3) men are expected to be tough and not feel the impact of the challenge as much as women: I have observed men be told about pregnancies of persons close to them and be told they just have to accept it because 'it is what it is'. And then the person has to hear all about the details of those pregnancies with only rarely, if at all, being asked as to how they are doing, how they are coping, or do they need anything in the way of support. It may well be that the speaker does feel compassion deep within, but it isn't expressed. Being the complex creatures that we are, a man as much as a woman can struggle to interpret the silence and lack of acknowledgment - is it lack of interest, lack of sensitivity or simply that the person doesn't know how to deal with the 'softer' aspects of the situation? Is there an assumption that the man is less affected by the infertility so that he doesn't need the same level of compassion and sensitivity as a woman does?
4) the holiday season can be challenging to men too: parents may elect to visit their children with offspring ahead of their 'infertile' children. The 'infertile' children can be told they will be visited in the New Year. If the 'infertile' child is a male, there can be a habit of delivering the message in a very matter of fact way without any attempt to bolster feelings and self-worth as you would if speaking to a woman. Again, it may be that parents think that men don't need the 'soft language' or cannot deal with it. But you can never assume. It can hurt a man as much as a woman to feel excluded.
People struggle with how to respond or deal with women in this situation, so if there is one take-away, it is don't assume men are necessarily light years away from feeling the same as you might expect of a woman. They may just be better at hiding it. Boys do cry, even if they always don't shed tears or have emotional outbursts in the same way.
Now to finish here is the ultimate piece of irony, and one to dispel all stereotypes and generalisations that I/we may ever make about men! Along our journey of challenges so far, it has been a man who has been the best at managing the right balance of level-headed 'it is what it is' approach with compassion and support. The fact that they were expecting a child was relayed to us at the same time as everyone else, and the excitement and nerves wasn't hidden from us and yet at the same time, there was never a conversation where a portion of it wasn't dedicated to being supportive, offering help to us and asking how we were doing. It was recognising the bitter-sweet nature of the situation but with equal respect to each. We felt respected for the honesty and not being treated as social lepers and also respected and appreciated for not being forgotten in our times of challenge - and very appreciative that the person still found the time to think of us even when consumed with his own busy life.
There are many articles, discussions and blogs about how fertility challenges (I hate the word infertility) affects women, but men and their feelings are so often overlooked. We tell people when faced with a challenge to "man up" sometimes and perhaps that accidentally points to one of issues - men are expected to be the strong, resilient and unemotional ones. So often times people take the view that they don't need support. To be otherwise is girly and, therefore, perceived as weak.
So let's start right here and now and correct the assumption - men feel the pain of struggling to conceive and stay pregnant too. I am not going to go into degrees of whether it is equal, more or less - in truth I don't know the answer but I suspect that it varies from case to case and that more often than not it is the same more or less. He wants to be a dad as much as the woman wants to be a mom. He doesn't suffer the biological interventions necessarily to the same degree, but he still feels.
I have observed many different approaches and reactions to the male component:
1) men are often less likely to discuss the challenges they are facing or emotions that they are feeling with friends or family: They are more likely to bottle up their feelings. This doesn't mean they don't feel though. The fact that they don't confide in someone can make it harder for them at times, I think. Even if they say it is their 'coping mechanism' they still struggle and suffer deep within. The lack of externalising one's own emotions sometimes can be harmful in the long run - I have seen the stress come out in physical manifestations of all kinds of ailments, such as stomach complaints, which at first blush you might assume are unrelated;
2) people often forget to ask the man how he personally is managing and coping: men often get asked by friends and relatives, particularly male friends and relatives, about how their other half is dealing with it. However, somehow people can be reluctant to ask men how they are feeling. I have no idea why this is. I know it frustrates the living daylights out of me, because to me it feels like not wanting to mention the elephant in the room. But it could also be more a reflection of the person asking in the first place: maybe they assume that because the exterior that they see is all calm and collected, that all is fine; may be they don't know how to deal with the answer they get, be it curt or an unexpected out-pouring of emotion; maybe it is because they feel that the listener will work out that it is implied from their silence?;
3) men are expected to be tough and not feel the impact of the challenge as much as women: I have observed men be told about pregnancies of persons close to them and be told they just have to accept it because 'it is what it is'. And then the person has to hear all about the details of those pregnancies with only rarely, if at all, being asked as to how they are doing, how they are coping, or do they need anything in the way of support. It may well be that the speaker does feel compassion deep within, but it isn't expressed. Being the complex creatures that we are, a man as much as a woman can struggle to interpret the silence and lack of acknowledgment - is it lack of interest, lack of sensitivity or simply that the person doesn't know how to deal with the 'softer' aspects of the situation? Is there an assumption that the man is less affected by the infertility so that he doesn't need the same level of compassion and sensitivity as a woman does?
4) the holiday season can be challenging to men too: parents may elect to visit their children with offspring ahead of their 'infertile' children. The 'infertile' children can be told they will be visited in the New Year. If the 'infertile' child is a male, there can be a habit of delivering the message in a very matter of fact way without any attempt to bolster feelings and self-worth as you would if speaking to a woman. Again, it may be that parents think that men don't need the 'soft language' or cannot deal with it. But you can never assume. It can hurt a man as much as a woman to feel excluded.
People struggle with how to respond or deal with women in this situation, so if there is one take-away, it is don't assume men are necessarily light years away from feeling the same as you might expect of a woman. They may just be better at hiding it. Boys do cry, even if they always don't shed tears or have emotional outbursts in the same way.
Now to finish here is the ultimate piece of irony, and one to dispel all stereotypes and generalisations that I/we may ever make about men! Along our journey of challenges so far, it has been a man who has been the best at managing the right balance of level-headed 'it is what it is' approach with compassion and support. The fact that they were expecting a child was relayed to us at the same time as everyone else, and the excitement and nerves wasn't hidden from us and yet at the same time, there was never a conversation where a portion of it wasn't dedicated to being supportive, offering help to us and asking how we were doing. It was recognising the bitter-sweet nature of the situation but with equal respect to each. We felt respected for the honesty and not being treated as social lepers and also respected and appreciated for not being forgotten in our times of challenge - and very appreciative that the person still found the time to think of us even when consumed with his own busy life.
