The assumptions we make of those with fertility challenges

One life lesson that I always seem to never quite learn is that you should never make assumptions about others, because you can realise how wrong you are if you do so without asking any questions or getting the facts. I was very recently reminded of this all over again.

We were talking about someone that we actually don't know, who we had heard was having fertility challenges, and who we were told had said did not want to do IVF. The assumption made was that the person had investigated this with fertility specialists before coming to that conclusion. But it then transpired we may be wrong and I felt very bad.

Here's the thing - even those of us that battle with fertility issues can forget that everyone's experience is different. We shouldn't assume anything. We cannot assume to have an idea of what that person's feelings and thoughts are, and we shouldn't even for a nanosecond pretend to try and second guess. This whole situation certainly made me think a little more about the issue of fertility challenges.

• It can cause a great deal of anxiety and we all react to it in a different way. In someone like me who is such a 'do-er', it translates into wanting to do all the investigation and steps I can to work out what I can do to increase the chances of a successful pregnancy. In others that anxiety can have a paralyzing effect. And there are others who are very relaxed about their chances of success and feel that there is nothing which they need to do. Some of us may need help however, to relax, some of us may need someone to lend us a hand to help us out of our 'mind fog' and some of us may need nothing more than a friend or someone to be there. The biggest challenge is for the person themselves to work out which type they are and for others to help them in this process - this sounds easy but it can be very hard.
  
  
• There is an assumption that the cure to all fertility issues is IVF. Because it is so popular nowadays, we take for granted that this is the only way to go in order to deal with fertility issues but actually that is not the case. There are some fertility specialists who are of the view that people move on too quickly to IVF before trying other things first. And if someone feels that IVF is not for them, for whatever reason, they really shouldn't feel there is nothing they can do. There are certainly lots of things people can try besides IVF which can be helpful and many promote natural fertility remedies.
  
  My personal view is that the two can be complementary - you can pursue traditional medicine and also do natural things like reduce toxins, for example eat organically and do acupuncture to maximize your chances; but you should be open with your practitioners as to what you are doing to be sure the two do not clash with each other. And we should never criticize someone if they don't want to do IVF - it is a personal choice, we should remember to be supportive to alternative things they may wish to try. In my opinion, people can sometimes be too quick to dismiss natural and alternative remedies.
  
  
• We should never forget to stretch out a hand to others - you can never make someone come to you for help, but you can extend a hand and say you are there if they need to speak or point them in the direction of someone who can help. Even if you don't know the person, be there for them, particularly if you know what it is like to be there yourself.
  
  
• I realized how lucky folks in the US actually are. There are many wonderful organizations such as The AFA that are there to help support folks through their family building experience. These organizations are truly active, enthusiastic and progressive. Speaking with counterparts back in the UK, I realize how much more the help and support in that country is ad hoc and just not on the same level - it is changing and getting there, but not quite yet. (If any UK person is reading this and doesn't agree I apologize - this is just my personal view.)
  
  

So where does this all take me? Well probably not very far. But if nothing else it underlines to me how difficult and challenging dealing with fertility issues is. Nobody should ever underestimate this and assume that everyone reacts the same way. Stretch out a hand and seek to understand the person. This isn't about you - it is about them.

Posting on the AFA website: http://theafa.typepad.com/theafablog/2010/11/the-assumptions-we-can-make-of-those-with-fertility-challenges.html