30 Something and the Clock is Ticking

'Thirty-something and the clock is ticking' by Kasey Edwards http://www.kaseyedwards.com/

I came across this book completely by chance - I had previoulsy ignored an article about it in one of those trashy gossip style magazines dismissing it as 'just another sensationalist IVF story'. But a month later accidentally I bought the book that the article was about ... I say accidentally because I didn't make the connection between the book and the article until after I had bought the book when seeing it randomly on the shelf of a little bookshop.

Anyway, I'll cut to the chase as you aren't interested in how I came to find it.

What's it about?

It is the story of a woman in her early thirties who is told by her gynaecologist that she has a year in which to get pregnant and have a baby or else her 'fertility window' will be gone. In the book, she tells her story: how it made her feel to hear those words, deciding whether she wanted a baby or not, the fact that woman don't realise the facts of their own fertility and that it really is a 'window', and the treatments and path that in her case, led her to a successful pregnancy and the birth of her daughter.

It is a short novel but it is well worth reading as it makes many valid and important points about the challenges of infertility and being a woman on the 21st century - you'll read it and probably think it is no revelation - it says many if not all the things women that have been blogging about for many years now - she tells of the importance of making sure women today are educated correctly as to their own fertility so as to make informed decisions as opposed to being caught out; as well as talking of her own challenges of IVF and those of the people she knows and how there is no guarantee that it will be successful.

The surprising thing is that she was able to convince a publisher to take on such a story and publish it as a book commercially. I think much of her success in convincing folk to print her book relates to how she tells the story - it is very upbeat and ends with a 'happy ending' - in her case she got to give birth to her daughter. There is a sad and unfortunate downside to this though (and it is by no means a criticism of her writing) - as a result, many of the important messages advocating fertility awareness and recounting the abyss that battling with IVF and infertility is, can get lost on the reader. I wonder how much those points will really stick in the mind of a person who has never 'been there'.

It made me sad to read some of the online comments in response to articles in various newspapers talking about this novel a few months ago. Some women posting comments online seemed to attack and criticise Ms Edwards as opposed to being thankful and acknowledging the important message. I guess this comes from a multitude of places and emotions:

It can't help to feel 'lectured' by someone or to see them making money out of it. Did they feel that she was 'tooting her flute' about her own 'happy ending' and so in no place to comment to others?

How do you deal with the sadness or bitterness of the fact that some women can't even meet someone with whom to try for a baby for - this is a very sad reality of being a modern woman today - meeting a guy who you can settle down with or who you would like to be your 'baby-daddy' isn't that easy!

The comments which concerned me the most, however, were the ones who said that they knew all the facts and seemed to feel she was 'teaching them to suck eggs'. You see, there may be some women out there who know about the facts of how fertility declines with age, but I think many think they know more than they really do. Do they really know the statistics about IVF and chances of success resulting in a livebirth? Is this the naivety or arrogance of youth? Or women not really want to hear - and burying their head in the sand. If so, how do you get the message across to a set of men and women who don't really want to listen?

With respect to this last group, there will always be nay-sayers to anyone trying to do the right thing and prevent people from going through the heartache and difficulties that we have suffered; so however disheartening it may be, we have to continue with the push to improve education. Even if it may feel like pushing water uphill. Kasey Edwards got her 'happy ending' of having a baby that is genetically hers via IVF but not every woman doing IVF comes away with a baby at the end of the process if they can't do it on their own. And so we can't rely on IVF as a fall-back option as women to allow us to delay having a baby if that is what young women today think. And they do - I was contacted last week about someone who thought exactly that and was now facing the stark reality that she may not even be a candidate for IVF due to age.

It is hard being a modern women - we 'grow up' and are ready to 'have a family' later than before nowadays but unfortunately fertility hasn't evolved with us. So we have to educate women to realise that if they want to have a baby, they probably can, but unlike men we may not be able to put it off a few years in the same way. Because if you need fertility treatment it is better to be doing this in your more fertile years (i.e. before 35). Harsh as it sounds, sadly this is the case. And yes, it completely sucks that some women haven't met Mr Right at the 'right time' - and oh how I wish we had a magic wand to make that right ....

Update

How do you tell your friends that are struggling with infertility that you are having a baby? I don't know how you do it.... it is as simple as that....

In April I had a baby but I can't tell you how sad it made me that others remain struggling, battling with IVF, to do another round or not, could they afford to do it or not, whether to start adoption, or starting that process.

People may talk about what you 'deserve' but I really don't agree with this concept. Some things in life are not fair; are quite simply a lottery. And fertility is one of those - why can a person with low chances of success get pregnant but not the person who according to the textbook has everything right?

If there is nothing else remember this - as was said to me a few months back - we cannot forget where we came from and the battles with infertility (or more positively put 'the fertility challenges') - and so we must continue with the fight not only to support those who are in that place which feels like you are perpetually 'treading water' but we must also do want we can to inform people, and in particular the young women coming up the ranks, of the challenges that women face with respect to their own fertility and being modern women of our age.

And so after a short hiatus, I am back to continue with the quest to better educate the young women of today. For my next blog I will be discussing the recently published book by Kasey Edwards - '30 something and the clock is ticking' - for now here is the link to her website so you can read into it for yourself .... http://www.kaseyedwards.com/

How late is late? You only know what you know

There has been massive radio silence from me - well there has been. Little time and no internet till a week or two ago - back to full time work, decorating and moving back to my old house in the UK. Anyway, this isn't about me so enough of my wimpering ....

In the last month there has been some excellent articles in the UK press which really deserve to be shared. The links to the articles are below and the headline points are right on the money:

• The best age to have a baby is between 20 and 35
• Don't wait too long for a baby: Women are SIX times more likely to suffer from fertility problems when 35 than at 25
• Doctors have issued the stark warning to couples as more and more women pursue careers and leave parenthood until their late thirties.

Now, of course, not all women leave or wait JUST because of their careers. Many don't meet their other halves until in their thirties so what do you do - we all love the idea of you meet and are married and get pregnant within six months of meeting but even at age 30 plus it doesn't work like that - life isn't the fairytale for all of us and it can take 2 or 3 years before you are settled enough to get married and start to have kids by which point you are out of the optimum period.

To me it highlights the massive challenge that comes with being a woman in the 21st century. They tell you to be financial independent and not to rely on men for financial security (well my dad certainly drummed that one into me and for good reason when he saw the amount of divorces around him and women left struggling to raise children with little money and relying on maintenance - he didn't want that to be me); but the flip side is you get an education and a career first in your twenties when historically and traditional women were having babies.

You'll read commentaries about how women just want to 'have it all' but that is just nonsense [my opinion]. My dad died many years ago but I am sure that he no more wished for me to have to have struggled with infertility as he did not wish for me to struggle financially because I was financial dependent on a man and left divorced. And that is a man's perspective for his daughter! Not a feminist view.

So what we need to do is make sure we educate women (and men) so that they can try and organise their lives (as best they can) to strive to achieve the two. It is harder for women possibly on this count than for men, I don't think we can argue against that. Women have more of a finite time-line to contend with than our male counterparts. But as women we have two options: to complain it isn't fair, and suffer the consequences; or do something and make sure we keep all young men and women better informed than we were by our predecessors.

I know which one I am picking and I hope you will too - share and educate our young men and women on the challenges of fertility. Awareness is key.

The Links:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1351237/Women-6-times-likely-suffer-fertility-problems-35-25.htmlhttp://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8287719

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8287719/Doctors-warn-couples-not-to-leave-it-too-late-to-have-a-baby.html?sms_ss=email&at_xt=4d4ade58d7be4928%2C0

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/dec/31/pregnancy-mothers-fertility-children

Holiday period & moving back - how people react

We have recently moved back to the UK from living overseas. One of my big concerns was always about falling back in with the old crowd of friends that we know locally, or rather not falling back in. They have all moved on and had babies who are now toddlers or young children. My anticipation was that they wouldn't want to do the same things as us anymore as their focus would be elsewhere. So it was high on my radar that I would probably have to make a big effort to make new friends whose lives perhaps didn't revolve around children - nothing personal to the old crowd - just one of those things. So people may be interested to know what the reality was?

It is exactly that: their socialising now revolves around their children, and so you aren't invited. They either view you as the people who don't want children and assume you don't want to be bothered with such functions, or else when they know of the challenges you have faced, they think it is better to not extend the offer of an invite to you.

No harm is meant, I'm know, but it is very interesting as to how people react. Rather than tell you what is going on and explain why they are being the way they are, or to give you the option to attend, you just don't get invited. Best not hurt your feelings by not telling you; and well, as someone who was already braced for such behaviours it hasn't much bothered me, but it is kind of sad. Things do come to pass as you anticipate, a little.

We're very lucky - old university and school friends are the same as ever and no change, and we have a circle of single or childless friends so we don't feel alone. But I can see how some people could feel a bit like they have been 'banished to Siberia' if they didn't have that wider network.

So if there is any young person reading this, I know having a baby may seem like a long way off to you, even when you are in your twenties, but please bear in mind that one of the challenges of leaving having a child till later is the above - to be fair, this could be the challenge even at a younger age, but the risk is higher the later you leave it. Some of your friends will easily have their children later in life with no problem, and you could be the statistical one in five that has fertility problems. This is a complete lottery - it may not be you, and for your sake I hope it isn't, but as it has to be someone it could be. Just bear that in mind next time when you think of delaying trying for a child, or dealing with any friends of yours who are childless.